Amber Tai

Jillian Abby’s Voyage through Love, Loss, and Liberation

In the easy, cool hues of a sapphire cyan room in Tampa Bay, Jillian Abby filled the space with an effortless liveliness that matched her neatly styled bob. It was a laid-back Sunday morning. Abby, managing a blend of chat and chores, was all set to retrieve her kids from a pool party later.  

“She’s out on the patio, getting some work done,” she said with a warm, dazzling smile, introducing Jen, her partner, who has recently moved in, marking the sweet end of their long-distance love story.

Abby’s present ease hasn’t come without its share of life’s tumults. She has navigated through life’s storms to curate the harmony that now surrounds her. This year, at 42, she unveiled her life in the pages of “Perfectly Queer,” a memoir that spills the tales of her journey from a picture-perfect life to embracing her truth as a lesbian.

Boston University alumni, Certified Public Accountant, a lucrative corporate gig, a doting husband, and two kids. Her life ticked all the boxes of the so-called “American Dream.”  But for Abby, it was a dream that needed some recalibrating.

Born and raised in Buffalo, New York, 15-year-old Abby studied abroad in Cochabamba, Bolivia. 

There, teenage Abby touched the edges of unfamiliar but exhilarating feelings as she held a girl’s hand for the first time, a chapter she tucked away, letting it hibernate for decades. The suppression came from an inner perfectionist. The perfectionist within had been exerting a powerful influence over her, which she had not fully recognized until later.

Abby’s mother called her “Starbaby” since she was a little girl, with the solid belief that she would grow up to become someone different and extraordinary from others. It inspired Abby to strive for excellence, making her a star student, daughter, employee, and everything in between. However, it was also a double-edged sword. ”​​I didn’t realize what a perfectionist that was making me.” She raced through life, clocking up achievements, and playing every role to perfection. But in chasing the stars, she also wrestled with the ghosts of perfectionism and people-pleasing.

She is a lesbian. This understanding, her truth, made her see that she didn’t need to please everyone. She made the decision to be true to herself and shared this revelation with her best friend, therapist, and eventually, her loving husband.

“That must have been really hard for you.” This was Chris’s sole response upon learning Abby’s truth, a moment both wrenching and deeply tender. From there, they each embarked on individual journeys to reconstruct their lives from the remnants of their shared past. With mutual understanding and empathy, they crafted new paths forward.

Now, Abby is an author and an LGBTQ advocate who holds a TikTok with 17.1K followers. This unexpected role was not something she had ever imagined for herself. On her 40th birthday, Abby posted her first video on YouTube where she recorded herself reading one of the chapters from her memoir where she came out to her best friend. This post was intended to be a public coming out, more like a declaration.

 “I was preparing to receive some hate. I was preparing for people to unfriend me.”  But to Abby’s surprise, none of her fears came true. Instead, she received an outpouring of support from people who shared their own stories with her. “Literally every message made me cry,” she said.

She recalled a high school friend sending her a message about her father coming out as gay and then disappearing during her childhood. This incident caused her to accumulate a lot of resentment towards her father until she read Abby’s memoir. Abby’s story made her realize that her father might be going through the same thing. This was the pivotal moment for Abby to write her story, not just as a form of self-therapy but also as a helping hand for anyone struggling with their inner war.

So, what’s next for Abby after coming out? She’s working on another book, focusing on self-love and relationships in middle age. Aimed to guide women through life’s complexities, it offers advice on navigating challenges with grace. The publication date is uncertain, but there’s no rush. Abby is taking her time, writing at her own pace, while living her fulfilling version of the American dream.

As the interview came to a close, a text message lit up her phone. “Just a moment,” she said, “my daughter is asking where I should pick her up.” She beamed with warmth and pride.